How to Talk to Your Loved One About Therapy When They Don’t Want to Go

I’m going to assume you’ve already talked to your loved one about therapy multiple times for a very long period of time. I’m also going to assume they’ve even agreed and then backed out the last minute — and you had to be the one to make the awkward call to cancel the appointment. Lastly, I am going to assume that your loved one is not an immediate risk to themselves because if they are, you should probably stop reading this article and get medical care to come to your home (mobile response, emergency services) if they are unwilling to go to a hospital for a screening. If these assumptions are correct then you’re good in considering what I’m about to write. If they are not, the option for approach below might be a bit harsh for an initial conversation.

The first step has very little to do with changing what you say or how you say it and more to do with how you think about it. Unless there is an immediate risk, its not you’re job to force the issue. Therapy is a choice people can make on their own to improve their ability to manage distress, change how they think and behave more effectively. It is a lot of work. Even if you are successful in forcing them through the door, there is little chance it will stick.

When I am meeting with anyone who feels “forced” into therapy, I often tell them that I do not treat hostages. That they have a choice, they can do the work to make their lives better or they can end therapy and continue to go about their lives on the current trajectory. I don’t get into power struggles. 95% of the time, clients choose to stick it out and experience good outcomes.

After you’ve changed your perspective, it might be helpful to identify how you’ve allowed their issue(s) to impact your life. In thinking about this, consider time, money, convenience and the impact you’ve allowed these issues to have on other areas of your life. Has it affected your work or romantic relationships? Have you had less time for friends or hobbies?

The choice on whether your loved one goes to therapy isn’t yours to make and neither are the costs associated with their decision not to go.

Now that you’ve identified the costs, it’s time to have the conversation. Here is an example of what it could sound like:

“This is what your decision to not get help is costing me: [list each cost factually, without judgement]. I’m not going to work harder than you. I care about you and I feel like I’m hurting both of us. I am no longer going to do these things until you talk to your doctor or a therapist. If you decide to get help, I will work with your therapist on what I should continue doing, stop doing and taper off.”

Until that happens, I need to stop because I don’t feel either of us are approaching this effectively. If you decide to get help, I think we have a better chance of making things better for both of us. I would feel more hopeful. Just the fact that you are taking this one step, would mean a lot to me”

If you are unable to bring yourself to this point, then it might be time to be honest and speak to a professional yourself in exploring what the barrier(s) are to letting go of something that is not in your control and how to go about overcoming them.

I should end by saying that this isn’t advice or guidance for your specific situation. Its more of “does the shoe fit?”, and if it fits then this provides one perspective on how to think about it. As always, don’t take what you read on a blog or in a book as fully relevant or right for your situation. Put a little salt on it, chew for a while and figure out how, or even if, this fits with your situation.